as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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