a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize