I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Let's get the cat blown out
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
