fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
