I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm just crazy horny about you
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
