Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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