He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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