dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
