my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
