i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
