??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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