Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
