I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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