It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
