I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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