We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
