Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
