Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
