theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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