i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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