he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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