i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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