there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
