So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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