I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
