somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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