If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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