I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
