I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
