I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
