my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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