After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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