How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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