I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
