I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
