i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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