Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
