I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
