i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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