apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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