I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
