I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
