You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
