i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
