I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
