did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
