i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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