I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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