then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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