I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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