plz talk dirty to me
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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