she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
