Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
